What the bleep now?

Although the four days spent at the hospital this time were a million times better than the ones before, we were so bleeping ready to be home.  The morning that I was discharged, I was given a dozen papers to sign; ya know, the ones making sure I actually wanted to take this human home with me and that I really wanted to stick with the name I chose. Next step was getting the ok from my ob/gyn and I knew what her deciding factor would be!

Before my ob/gyn was going to allow me to leave, she was going to make sure I went to the bathroom... Number two!  This time, I knew to bleeping lie! During my last stay I was honest and can you take a wild guess as to where that got me? Nowhere. It only meant drinking prune juice, after prune juice, after bleeping prune juice, and getting (3) suppositories shoved up my... Ok, you get it! So I lied, "Yes, doc! I did my business!" But the truth was, there's no place like home!

We packed our bags, stole some diapers and formula (but before you judge me on this, ask to see my hospital bill. I guess I'd barely consider it theft), dressed our little monster in an adorable oversized outfit, then buckled her into her car seat. She looked like she was being eaten alive in that thing! It was bitter sweet driving away from that hospital.

We talked about recording her homecoming, but we quickly forgot about it. I think we were too concerned with our cat's feelings at this point. We had left her for four bleeping days (with an eye infection) and we were bringing back a living, screaming, stinky little creature.  Luckily for all of us, Belle decided not to kill Birdie. In fact, it was quite the opposite, she showed zero interest in her.

A couple of minutes into being home is when the "what the bleep now?" started to set in.  When your newborn cries, you naturally assume it's due to one of three reasons: 1. She's hungry 2. She's tired 3. She has a dirty diaper. Um! Or maybe she's bleeping crying because she just spent almost a year- and her entire existence- living in a warm, wet, cozy, dark hole.  She's never felt or breathed the bleeping air! She's never been cold! Maybe because this wide open space that she stretches her limbs out in is scary as hell! She was constantly being fed, so this whole hunger thing is new! And there are lights and shapes and movement everywhere! Maybe 1,2 and 3 aren't the only options when it comes to a newborns' discomfort.

During an extensive cry session that we were unable to soothe, we asked ourselves and each other this question again; "What the bleep now?" Dry diaper, full tummy, and she wasn't sleeping. So, "what the bleep now?" Looking back at it, I basically bury my head in embarrassment... We tried putting our four day old baby in her swing and bouncy chair, and immediately assumed that because they didn't stop the crying that she hated them.   No, morons, she was just WAY too small for them!

My mom came to the rescue again! The day after we were home, she drove up and stayed over our our mess of a house.  She woke up every two hours with Birdie in order to feed and change her.  I still believe that those 7 straight hours of sleep saved Emanuel's, Birdie's, and my life! Sleep deprivation is nothing to mess with. But wait, that is a whole different blog post...

Tug at your heart strings

This post is not here to make you laugh; I've written this one to tug at your heartstrings!  It is full of the not-so-bloody details of the day I first experienced the truest love I have ever felt.

My husband and I had a scheduled c-section August 26, 2013. C-sections are very controversial, indeed, but I would choose this over and over again. It was refreshing to wake up from my one hour of sleep, shower, shave (this time around), do my hair, fill in my eyebrows, slap on a little mascara, and make sure my diaper bag had everything on my checklist.

We checked into the hospital at 6am, surgery was set for 8am. Tom Petty really knows what's up because the waiting really is the hardest part. My mom and brother-in-law were a great recipe for distraction; I only thought about my stomach being sliced open every other second!

When 8:00 am rolled around, it was go time! My husband gowned up, they brought me into the ER and gave me a spinal tap, which terrified me so much that my legs were shaking uncontrollably. Silly me! That thing felt like a tiny bee sting and doped me up for 24 hours. Before Emanuel even had the chance to wash his hands, they brought him in and my doctor was cutting away.

Three minutes, a few body jerks, and a couple of stomach pulls later, I heard my baby crying. And yes, I am crying this very moment typing it. That bloody scream was like Heaven to me. Tears poured down my face and I was overwhelmed with this feeling I had never, in my total 26 years of existence, felt before.  Those screams, from this little, teeny, tiny human that I didn't even know yet, were my new favorite thing in this whole wide world. You know the feeling of hearing your favorite song, reading your favorite book, watching your favorite movie, reminiscing about your very favorite trip, eating your favorite dessert, drinking your favorite wine, or finding out the one you love loves you back? It was like this amount of love, ALL put together... and then some. The love I felt for her was so insanely intense and instantaneous.

My husband got to go see her while they cleaned, measured and weighed her (7lbs1oz 20in), while I was stuck being stuffed with my guts and sewn back together. He yelled at me how beautiful and perfect she was, about five times. He's lucky for these circumstances because I'm typically not ok with him yelling at me! After a couple of very long minutes, I finally got to hold the monster that miraculously grew inside of me for the last ten months. She was so much more than I hoped she would be. She really was perfect. Purple, wet, mucousy skin and all. I just... Loved her! So much!

Her Nana Banana and Uncle Gonzalo snapped away while she and Emanuel were brought into the nursery. Ya know, I still don't know what they did in there! I guess I oughta ask! I anxiously waited with my nurse, who gave me the run down of what I shouldn't do for the next 72 hours. She told me not to change any diapers or give Birdie her baths... This is Dad’s time to learn (wink, wink).

New Dad got a very serious crash course on poopy diapers and swaddling. Lucky him... Have you seen newborn poop? It's like tar! He was also, once again, helping me function: eat, move, get to the bathroom, shower, etc.

The visitors poured in and we got to share the love all around. Although, one visitor didn't feel the love like everyone else. When we asked Emanuel's younger brother if he just loved her, his response was, "No, I don't even know her yet." I forgive him, for he had a very valid point.

This was the day little Miss Birdie hatched, minus all the gory details. I'm thankful for her, and for all of the loved ones whose lives she gets to be a part of.

Appendectomy, pre-term labor, kidney stones, OH MY!!!

Remember in last weeks blog I told you that the barfing was only the beginning of my easy breezy pregnancy? Let me give you a run down on months 7, 8, and 9.

-Appendectomy

-Pre-term labor

-Kidney stones

You must be wondering which of the three was the worst.  Well, I'll let you decide...

Appendectomy-

After 6 hours of "what the bleep is wrong with you?", 3 ultra sounds, 2 blood draws, and a bleeping metal clamp being dug into my lady parts, a surgeon marches in to save the day. He quickly feels my stomach, tells me I have appendicitis, and to sign some papers because we're going into surgery... now! Yeah, just like that! Worst part? My beastly legs that hadn't been shaven in well over a week were now being touched by a surgical team of five.

Pre-term labor-

Of course I go into pre-term labor on a day that my husband is shooting a commercial... Sorry, babe, priorities! Thank goodness for my awesome Mom, who held wet wash cloths on my head while the nurse pumped me full of magnesium (in order to stop me from going into labor)- which made me feel like bleeping fire was running through my bleeping veins- and a barf bag to my mouth while I puked my life away!  And I also thank her for not telling me to shut the bleep up when I begged every nurse that crossed my path to take my bleeping catheter out. Oh, what a mom I have. This was a real memorable 48 hours. But, hey, at least my little monster didn't pop out at her whopping 3lbs!

Kidney stones-

Bleep 'em!!!! If you haven't had them, lucky you! If you haven't heard about how badly they suck, look it up.  Six whole days of bleeping excruciating pain, peeing in strainers, and having my bleeping blood drawn from the same bleeping vein a minimum of three times a day.  Besides looking like a total junky, the shots given to me in every limb to stop contractions made me look battered and abused. {Unborn} Birdie and I experienced our first MRI this visit and Emanuel and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary this visit. Romantical!

So, what's the verdict? Which sounds the worst? Oh, and I dare you to ask me if I want another kid! 

All jokes aside... I am forever thankful for my amazing friends and family for their love, support, flowers, visits, food and pet sitting. For my wonderful ob/gyn and a fantastic team of nurses for keeping my Bird safe. And especially thankful for my incredible husband, who stayed by my side every minute of this (besides the shoot day that still pays for my dinner)! He spent his 30th birthday in a hospital room, loved me at my very worst, showered me and himself at the hospital for weeks, slept on a bleeping crappy excuse for a bed, shared terrible cafeteria meals with me... And he even shaved my beastly bleeping legs!!! 

                                                     

                                 One year Anniversary celebration

Morning sickness, check!

I used to assume that pregnancy sickness must be somewhat similar to having a really bad hangover.  You know, it's really terrible, you feel like bleeping hell, you borderline want to die, but then you do it over again because "it's totally worth it". Boy, was I wrong... So very, very wrong (about it being similar, it was totally worth it, of course!!).

For the longest time I thought that morning sickness meant throwing up once or twice a couple times a week in the morning!! That was until I threw my bleeping life up, every bleeping day, for seven bleeping months straight. I've officially thrown up in more places than any floozy in any given sorority. Home Depot, check! Grandparent's fancy 25th Anniversary party, check! In my Juice It Up cup curbside in front of an outdoor cafe, check! Burger King trash can, check! Work toilet, check! And the list goes on. Bleep morning sickness. Seriously, bleep it!

If you think this sounds totally crappy... just you wait until you hear what fun the last three months of my easy breezy pregnancy were like. Stay tuned!

                                     Compare pregnant me to this...

                         

                                            "It's totally worth it!"

                    

Me vs Jessica Alba

How many of you ladies saw Jessica Alba when she was preggers and thought "Oh my bleeping gosh! She has a fantastic pregnant body and the greatest pregnancy style!" and went on a crazy pinning spree on pregnancy fashion and fitness? Me! Me! I am totally guilty of it.

Guys, how many of you saw Jessica Alba while she was pregnant and thought "Bleep! I hope my wife is that hot when she's pregnant?" I'm sure that my husband was guilty of it.

I can't tell you how many "cute pregnancy fashion", "prenatal workouts", and "clean eating" pins I pinned. I can, however, tell you the reality of my pregnancy fashion and fitness.

My pregnancy fashion consisted mostly of this God awful pair of Coco Puff boxers that my mom bought me when I was in the 8th grade- I am completely shocked that my husband never accidentally caught those ugly things on bleeping fire!! Exercise? What was that? My bleeping ass walked to the elevator every three days, and that was plenty.  And my diet plan meant eating more chocolate than one human should consume over the course of three years.

Props to you fit and fashionable pregnant women out there... Your husbands/boyfriends/baby daddies are much luckier than mine was! And for those of you who want to eat chocolate and wear sweatpants every bleeping day- you go, girl, you're making a bleeping human!!! Take that, Jessica Alba!

My husband and me

VS

Jessica and her husband