Baby Fat

Next week is one of my very dear friend's Bachelorette Party, and we all know what that means: little dresses and bikinis! The bride-to-be, and the rest of her bridal party are these gorgeous, skinny, toned legs and buns kind of girls. I am having bleeping anxiety over the thought of stripping down to almost nothing and standing next to these babes. On top of the fact that working out isn't something I do very often anymore and that I bleeping love wine and chocolate, I look like Casper the bleeping Ghost! 

I have had many conversations with myself and with my husband (because I'm not all crazy) about how I never want our daughter to base her beauty off of the way that she looks.  I want her to believe that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes and colors, and that inner beauty is just as, if not more, important than the beauty that meets the eye. I have told myself over and over again that if I continue to judge myself so harshly and comment aloud about the way I look that this will most certainly rub off on Birdie. The last thing I want is for my daughter to join in on this epidemic of eating disorders.

There is a saying that your kids don't remember what you teach them, they remember what you are.  I find a lot of truth in this.  I want my daughter to be kind to everyone, even those who may usually be judged; this means I must stop judging. I want her to see the positive side of life; which means I must stop being negative. I want her to be healthy; which means I must stop with my weekly fast food and daily dose of chocolate. I don't want her to have a sailors mouth; which means I must start substituting curse words with words like bleeping. And most of all, I want her to think she is beautiful! I will be absolutely devastated if one day Birdie stops believing she's beautiful because she's not as skinny, or as tall, or as tan as the girls standing beside her or the ones that she sees on TV; which means I must stop judging my beauty on my body.

By no means am I saying these wonderful women are only gorgeous because of the way they look,  I don't believe that at all... I am saying that I was judging myself solely based off of the way they look. I am also not sitting here saying that I am "fat" because I know that I have been pretty fortunate to shed the pounds I put on so quickly, but I find it so easy to point out every flaw I see in myself. 

So, here's to enjoying every minute of the beautiful bride's bachelorette party and to  accepting my short legs, the layer of fat that I accumulated over the last 15 months, and my see through bleeping skin! And here is to hoping that my daughter, and every girl in the whole world, can always see the beauty that her mother sees in her.

Never say never because you just never know!

I found it extremely easy to be judgmental of other peoples' parenting before I had Birdie.  I had a laundry list of things I swore I would never bleeping do when I had a kid...Until I did!

Who has driven past a car with an empty passenger seat, and seconds later spotted an adult riding in the backseat next to their baby? I remember commenting and laughing about how bleeping weird this is more times than I can count on both hands; and of course, "I'd never bleeping do that!" Well, guess what you would see if you drove past my car? Me, in the backseat, making up different renditions to The Itsy Bitsy Spider... Because that's the only thing that will shut my kids screaming face up! Side note, you wouldn't believe me if I told you the lengths of time and different ways I have sung, hummed and/or acted out The Itsy Bitsy Spider.

"Oh my bleeping gosh, so and so posts so many pictures of her baby! Is that all she does?" Ok, if you are my friend of Facebook or follow my Instagram, I don't even need to explain this one. If you're not, let's just say that if you were, you'd know Birdie's #ootd every single day! But, I think my kid's bleeping adorable... and she's definitely cooler than the food I'm eating or a quote I found off of Pinterest, and traveling has been put on hold so you won't see me posing in front of The Eiffel Tower, and I don't take baths so there go any sexy candle lit bubble bath pics; you can either enjoy my little monster pictures or feel free to delete me.

This was a HUGE "I'd never" for me! I swore up and down I would never, ever, ever co-sleep. I had a billion things to say about the crazy, unsafe parents who could potentially roll over and bleeping suffocate their poor, helpless child! At three months, Birdie got a terrible cold and guess where she ended up at night. You got it, our bed. My options were stay up all night insanely stressed out because she's choking since she can hardly breathe or put her in between us for peace of mind and sleep comfortably. The selfish part of me won this battle and the three of us slept nice and cozily in our queen size bed.

While trying to make plans with a friend recently, he asked if drinking and game night is still doable. When I told him it is, but our house is best because of naps, my kids passionate hatred for the car, and her early bed time, his response was: "Sounds like Birdie is really runnin' the show over there!" Before having a baby, you don't realize what the repercussions of  missing one 40 minute nap are. Or that trying to put your little one to bed one hour past their bedtime usually actually results in three hours of temper tantrums. So, yes, Birdie runs the show... For now. But when she has a voice, she won't ever be making the rules or negotiating {I swear}!

Before you have a child, you can't fully grasp what life will be like after you do. Your priorities {should} shift, your days become a lot more unpredictable, things aren't always as simple as you imagined they would be, and you find yourself doing things you swore you would never, ever, ever do, simple because they bleeping work! I'm learning that "to each his own" is a really great saying, and to never say never because you just never know.

Bleeping Blowouts

Nobody likes poop, nobody! When you have a baby, your fear of poop is something you will be forced to overcome. Let's face it, you're going to touch poop... It will get on your hands, on your arm, on your shirt, in your hair... It's inevitable, you will get shat on!

I have two favorite baby poop stories and both involve my husband. The first one was in the hospital; he was showing off for his brother and our sister in law while changing Birdie's diaper when she decided she wasn't done going. Mid-diaper change a big black tarry like poop bubble came out of that little bum and made quite the bleeping mess. My second favorite was a few weeks later when he had his ex-bosses over and, again, was showing off his awesome new dad skills when all of a sudden, SPLAT!!! Bleeping poop went everywhere! His arms, his shirt, his hands, the side of her pack and play... it was hilariously bleeping disgusting. It's obvious that he didn't listen to one of our dear friends when she gave us the advice to "keep an eye on that asshole!" because it would've saved him from both of these atrocious accidents.

The very first "blowout" I experienced was at the dentist office... because that's exactly what everyone going to get their teeth cleaned wants to witness! Since this was our first blowout, we weren't prepared. Fortunately, in our trunk we had a pack of unopened wipes- by the way, thanks for those, Sue, they bleeping saved us! That day taught me a few things: To always have extra wipes, to keep an extra onesie in my diaper bag at all times, and that it is possible for poop to end all the way up my baby's back to her bleeping neck!

These public blowouts (and when I say blowout, I mean throw away the outfit she's wearing kind of poop) aren't uncommon for Birdie! She loves doing her business while we are out and about. Here are a few of the other fun places she's decided it'd be fun to explode at: Sunday brunch at Pomona Mining Company, Red Robin, Maggianos, Kabuki, Babies-R-Us, and on the freeway returning home from Santa Monica.

I'm sure I've yet to have the best bleeping blowout yet, but when I do, you better believe you'll hear about it! Fellow parents and parents to be, remember these two things: 1. Keep your diaper bag fully stocked with wipes, diapers and extra clothes at all times and 2. "Keep an eye on that asshole!"

Sleep Depravation

I, like most people, enjoy a good nights rest.  Not only do I enjoy my eight hour slumber, I also like naps. Actually, like is an understatement... I am in bleeping love with midday naps! However, my husband's love for sleep runs much deeper than mine.  He is the kind of person who hits snooze at least three times before even considering opening his eyes.

The one thing every parent told us when they found out we were expecting was, "enjoy your sleep!". Eventually, I wanted to roll my bleeping eyes at anyone who said this to me. I get it, jeesh!!!

Ok, guys, these people weren't kidding.  And in my last post I also wasn't kidding when I said those seven straight hours of sleep that my mom let us have saved our lives! Sleep depravation is nothing to bleep with.

For the first two months of Birdie's life, our nights went a little somethin' like this:  10pm bed, 12am eat, 2am eat, 4 am eat, 6am eat, 8am eat, 10am eat... you get the picture, right? Wrong! I wasn't done yet.  It took her about 15 minutes to finish her 2 ounce bottle, then we were instructed to hold her up for 30 minutes after she ate so she didn't spit up, then we'd have to change her bleeping diaper. So, about 50ish minutes later we could go back to bed- for an hour and ten minutes (if we were lucky).

Surprisingly, my sleep loving husband handled these long sleepless nights much better than I.  He would feed her in the living room with the lights on in order to stay awake.  I took the lazy approach; I'd sit in bed and fight sleep with all of my bleeping might! I would play Candy Crush until it timed me out, I'd go Pin crazy, or I would scroll through my Facebook feed, which never really changed much between 2 and 5am.  Here's my personal favorite Facebook story from this time period: I was scrolling and must have dozed off,  because when I woke up my phone was asking me if I wanted to make this my profile picture? Well, this picture happened to be the nieces and nephews of someone I haven't even seen in years- that could've looked really bleeping creepy!

Expecting women and men, I am not bleepin' around when I say this: ENJOY! YOUR! SLEEP! Take that extra nap you're debating, pop that sleeping pill for a night of really deep sleep, sleep in that extra hour and put off your chores a little bit longer, soak up every full night of rest that you can... Because soon those days will be long gone!